Friday, January 6, 2012
Sad Sad News
Poor little Evie died yesterday.
I'd taken him to the vets in Killarney the day before - they specialise in small animals so it really was the best place for him to be.
They took blood tests and amazingly he was negative for both FIV and feline leukemia and the vet thought he'd be fine to get his dental work done as he'd put weight on (through the syringe feeding) and it was something that needed to be done urgently.
While I was at the vets with him, I was able to see properly inside his mouth and it was truly awful, I don't know how he could have tolerated so much pain every day and still been so friendly and affectionate. As well as the rotten teeth and sore gums, his mouth was covered in nasty ulcers, it must have hurt him so very much.
So I left him with the vets and came home; they were operating on him yesterday morning and phoned to say that it had all gone REALLY well - he needed to have every single tooth taken out but that was all ok. The vet said that he'd phone back later to let us know when we could set off and collect him - and all seemed very positive and hopeful.
A bit later on I got another call from the vet and was so excited because I knew it meant that Evie was awake and we could come and get him -- but the vet said that he was very sorry but it wasn't good news.
I thought he meant that there were complications and we'd have to collect him the next day, but it was the worst news - the poor little mite had died. He'd been fine all through the operation and was in the recovery area and had woken up, was sitting up and happy but then when the nurse went back to check up on him he was lying curled up and was dead.
It was an awful shock, I had been soooo full of plans and hopes for his future life with us - he reminded me so much of our Boris, who also just turned up as a very loving but neglected stray cat, he has been with us for nearly seven years now and I'd hoped that we could give Evie the same good life as we had done for Boris and all our other cats...but it wasn't meant to be, and it felt like someone had cruelly pulled the rug out from under my feet and all my hopes came crashing down.
Anyway we went to Killarney to bring him home, which was so hard - I tried so hard not to cry while we were in with the vet -- it must be the hardest part of their job, having this happen, and it must be even worse then when the owner is in floods of tears.
It was dark by the time we got home so we settled him in the shed for one last night and then buried him in the garden this morning. I chose a nice spot in the hens' run - seeing as how we found him in the hen house it seemed 'right' for him to have that as his final resting place.
I am really struggling with the fact that it was me who took him to the vet and my decision to get his teeth sorted now - it's hard not to blame myself for his death, even though I KNOW that by taking him in and nursing him I gave him nearly two weeks extra of his life and in that time I know that he felt real love and comfort probably for the first time in his whole life.
The vet said that it might have been a problem with his liver - that it couldn't break down the anesthetic properly and that's why he died, but we don't know for sure. There are so many questions and 'what ifs' and no answers and I find that hard to deal with.
He was such a tiny thing, the smallest cat - I thought he was a kitten but he was fully grown - he was just so loving and has really touched my life - I think the fact that he was with me for such a short time has made this all the more poignant and hard to deal with. It seems so cruel that he was only with us for such a brief time; surely he deserved more love than that???
I am telling myself that I was there to try and make a difference in his life at the end of it at least, and as friends and family have said he had a much better death than he would have done. He was inside, in the warmth of a heat lamp (which I bet he loved!) and on a fluffy lamby blanket and he wouldn't have felt any pain. I just wish that he didn't have to go.
People have been so sweet and have put the most lovely messages up on my facebook page, in texts, on the Etsy forums and on the phone and I am trying so hard to take their kindness on board and not blame myself for his death but to try and see it that I DID make a difference and I gave him some extra time that he wouldn't have had otherwise - I'm sure that he had gone in to our hen house to die and would have died if we hadn't taken him in.
I got this message from a truly lovely lady on Etsy and I have put it on my facebook page and now on here because I know it is true.
DON'T BE DEVASTATED!!!
Mr. Evie died quickly, happy, and loved! YOU were responsible for all of those - it was not a lingering, slow, painful, lonely passing in a dirty hen house or worse - he died knowing he was loved and happy as - more so than he'd likely been in his whole life.
All we have is the present, today, and he was the same. He was HAPPY. Likely for the first time in his life! Rejoice that he KNEW that he was loved and passed so fast he likely didn't know what happened. We should all be so lucky!
You were glorious! You gave your heart to him! He knew it. It was not tragic. For Mr. Evie, it was a happy ending. You know better than anyone what it COULD have been like for him. It is tragic for you because you are left behind and you loved him - and wanted more for him.
All we get is what we get. Be happy! You changed the course of a little life, you gave him love when he likely never had it before, you gave him security and the best care he could have possibly have had. You cannot control when a spirit escapes its earthly bounds; you controlled HOW it left, and it left happy and loved.
I wish I could be there for you, I hope you are getting lots of hugs and kisses this evening. You've earned them! SMILE - you now have a little guardian cat looking out for you!
Lots of love right back at you - This is your PRESENT and it's all you have for sure. Honor Mr. Evie by living it happily and fully.''